So today, Mom, Dad, and I went to Kokomo to get a feel for the city and to find the school I'll be attending this fall.

After we found the school, Mom decided to drive around town, and ended up in a somewhat rough looking neighborhood. The first thing she said was, "This must be the black part of town." When she said that, I got so furious, but couldn't say anything because I'm just a kid that doesn't know how bad "the other race" is. What got on my nerves even more was that Dad said, "I don't think it is. I just saw a bunch of white guys back there."

Why do people have to be so damned stereotypical?! There is a difference between a black person and a "nigger". Just the same, there is a difference between an Oriental person and a "chink", or a Mexican and a "wetback". Let's get a little closer to home, shall we? There's a difference between a white person and "white trash".

People try to use the argument that you should lock the doors on your car when you see a black person in a sort of rough part of town. Other people say that you should lock your doors when you see a group of black people walking down the street in a town. Personally, I would do this stuff regardless of the other person's skin color. Just because someone is black doesn't mean they're going to rape you, kill you, steal your Reebok shoes, and steal your money. If it does, then I must be walking on the wild side, since I don't look at life that way.

I agree, there are inherant problems with certain racial groups. There is no way around this other than wiping out everyone on the planet and starting over. These problems are not solely racial problems though: They are also cultural problems. To add to it, what we identify as a problem may be the norm in other cultures.

So what am I trying to say? Don't assume that someone is of a particular social group just because of their skin color, house, or how they dress. Treat everyone as social equals and the problem will be solved.

Sadly, this is a dream that will never come true. I guess I'll just be bitter towards people like my mother for their actions and ideas regarding race.

I think I am going to build a kite tomorrow, and fly it. I am sick of technology, so I am going back to old-fashioned hobbies.

Use a camcorder in a movie theater

First-time offenders get 3 years, 5 if they do it for money.

Anyone who is not in the area of China needs to head that way. I am so pissed I feel like I am going to explode. When I do, my wrath will probably be equivalent to that of an atomic blast, so you might want to get away from me.

I wonder how hard it would be adjusting to the lifestyle of a monk.

I HATE THIS WORLD! I HATE TECHNOLOGY!!

This computer I have been trying to build for the last month keeps giving me new errors. I'm to the point of giving up, but I can't. I'm too far into it now. I have to find out wtf is going on.

This is a computer I am building for a friend. A $1100 computer. Before, it wouldn't boot. Then, it would boot, but reboot randomly. Now it will boot and run, but when you try to do anything with the video, it freezes or reboots.

It has had 2 different motherboards, 2 different sets of RAM, 2 different power supplies, and now I am trying another hard drive. The only reason I am trying a hard drive now is because the last time it rebooted was when I opened up "My Computer" and double-clicked on the C-drive.

I am probably going to be bald by the time I am done with this.

This was written on April 25, 2004. I have not had time to finish it, but it will be good for a lot of people to read. It may hopefully explain some of my bitterness. I will get it finished one of these days, and post the result.

"Tim, I need to talk to you… Have you been okay? You’re not the same person you were two years ago."

This is what a close friend confronted me with a couple of weeks ago. At first, I didn’t really know what he was talking about, but as I thought it over, I realized what it was.

In the past 2 years, I have been through a lot. I’ve seen my family grow, but at the same time drift apart, I’ve seen my parents struggle with health issues, I’ve seen my entire family struggle to make ends meet financially, and I’ve seen myself enter a life of no sleep, no rest, and all hard work. In all this, I have experienced nearly every emotion possible; anger, fear, sadness... The only one I have not experienced is happiness.

Many people don’t realize what money has to do with life, other than a means of sustaining economic status while at the same time maintaining health. I want to explain how this is wrong.

As a young child, we had no idea what money was, yet we would get excited when our parents would give us a quarter for the gumball machine. All money was to us, was a key to getting something sweet and tasty. As time went on, and we got older, we learned from our parents that if we took care of certain tasks around the home, that we would get a small reward for it: money. Typically, this reward was in the form of a weekly allowance. Our parents attempted to show us the worth of a dollar, by showing us what it took to get it.

As we got older, in our later teenage years, it was time to start driving a car. In most cases, our parents would have given us a car and helped us out with the payments, but when it was time for repairs, or license plate renewals, it was our responsibility. When we needed to put gas in the car to get from our home to school every day, we were the ones responsible for paying that. In many cases, to fund all this, we would get a job at a local fast food restaurant or department store. This employment continued to show us the value of a dollar, in that, we would not be able to drive our own vehicle without it.

Later on, when it became time to further our education, we used every bit of money we had saved up to go to college. Sure, in many situations, we were able to get assistance from the government or from other sources to pay for our tuition expenses, book expenses, and living expenses, but when it was time for us to go out and spend time with our friends; we would have to find some means of paying for the activities. For many of us, we would find a means of employment much as we did in our teenage years, working long and hard hours to have that little bit of extra money to fund our relaxation.

Unfortunately, I have not had such an experience with money. While I have seen what it takes to earn it, I have also seen how it can discriminate and destroy lives. My family has not been the highest income family ever. I remember as I was younger, having to eat pancakes made with water instead of milk, eating tomato soup made from ketchup, or eating a bowl of cereal in the morning without milk, because we could not afford the simple food items. I remember being sick and not being able to go to a doctor. I remember having to wear clothes that were worn out from years of use by other people, as well as me.

I had always been under the impression that "poverty" meant you had to rummage through dumpsters, you had to live without heat, or you had to go without shoes. My parents had done a superb job making do with what we had, and I will be forever grateful to them for that. However, I know what stress and suffering they went through to do that. I know what sacrifices they made so that my sisters and I could have a decent Christmas.

I have been in college for the last two years, attempting to make a better life for myself than that. Knowing what it took away from my parents has given me the motivation to make a better life for myself. Along the way though, I have seen what money is truly worth. I have seen how it is unfairly given to some, while others nearly have to sacrifice their own life just to get enough money for a meal. The old cliché, "College students have no money, "has proven itself to me, time and time again. In all honesty though, I have no desire for money.

To be continued...

Last night after I ate supper, I started feeling sick to my stomach. A little while later, I had a somewhat bad fever.

Today, when I woke up, I felt pretty well. After I got up to a house I was working at, I started getting really dizzy and I felt a fever coming on.

Now, I still have the fever, feel dizzy, and I have a headache with it.

Everything is either targeted at the "Hispanics" or it is all commercials.

I just sat down to watch TV and get away from the computer. The first thing I saw worth watching was "Bruce Almighty" on HBO. I turned it there, and it was in friggin Spanish! I then turned to The Cartoon Network to watch "Futurama", and it was all commercials for 10 friggin minutes!

AVG says I have a virus called W32/YouNeedALife.a@MM

Update: I just checked out the Network Associates web site, and it appears as though this virus can't be removed. The only way to get rid of it is by severing myself from the world of technology.

I really appreciate and respect your comments on the previous entry, but I have a bone to pick with some of you.

I have values for my life. These values are a result of the way I have been raised, as well as the way I have seen my friends live.

I know some of you think that I should pursue this opportunity, but I don't. My values are more important than that. Yes, I know, it might be the right person, or appear to be. I'm willing to take the chance that it is, just so I can preserve my values.

I am always telling people to "change for nobody". I am applying it to myself in the case of my personal values. There is no sense in messing it up now.

There's this girl that works at a local business that I deal with somewhat frequently. The last several times I've gone to this business, the girl has expressed a LOT of interest in me, non-verbally.

The other day I went in there and someone else waited on me. I had to stand in line for a bit to get waited on. While I was standing there, she poked her head out the employee's entrance door, smiled at me, then closed the door. When I was being waited on, the lady that was taking care of me had to go into the back for something. While she was back there, the other girl came out to use the copier, glues her eyes to me and smiled, forgot about what she was copying, then realized it and went into the back. When the other lady came back out, she was really bright, happy, and chipper with me.

I'm not being "pimp-ish" about this by any means. It is totally clear she wants me. The problem is, she has a past, things that can't be undone, that violate some of my morals. I find this girl attractive, she's very nice, and seems to be pretty cool. If it weren't for that moral violation, I would probably go for her.

Is it wrong that I find it funny how much effort she puts into making it known that she likes me?

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing" --Edmund Burke

I hate retrospect.

Almost all day, I've been thinking of my past, and the decisions I've made. It hasn't helped that my own mother has been making (subtle) hints about some of them. It's bad enough to know where I've messed up in my life, but to have people pointing them out to me in a crafty way doesn't help me deal with it any.

It's almost as though those people want to audibly point and laugh, but they continue to do it almost silently to provoke me even more.

I could almost make a list of what has been on my mind today, but I don't think that would help me any. I just wish there was somthing that someone, including me, could do.

There are two choices I have right now:

1. Repress the memories.
2. Keep thinking about them and stay depressed.

I'd like to opt for the first one, but that still doesn't solve anything.

I suppose I should explain this now.

My friend from Bulgaria, MacTeP, was reading through an IRC archive site. He came across this bit of archived text:

<ohm> damn
<ohm> FUCK
<ohm> DAMN
<ohm> i was just in an AIM convo with a chick, and my grandmother's window pops up
<ohm> FUCK
<ohm> i go like this to her
<ohm> "i want to suck on your clit"
<ohm> FUCK

Since I found this humorous, I decided to share it with my friend, Alex. The only problem was that he was away when I sent it. When he got back, he and I were talking, and all of a sudden he says:

(21:00:37) Alex: i want to suck on your clit

It took me a while to figure out what he was talking about, but then I remembered sharing it with him.

Now, I seriously hope ohm has explained to his poor grandmother what he was saying.