Ok, so tomorrow I have a meeting to go over building another web site for the Tobacco Control Partnership of Tippecanoe County. I'm almost done with the first one I have been contracted to do, and this next one will most likely be just as complex, if not more complex. I'm pretty confident that I will be getting the bid on it, considering I've done everything to get them set up with their current site, including hosting.

So, if you want something to wish me luck on, it would be this. The meeting is at 2:00PM tomorrow (July 26).

Ok, so I know this has been beaten to death by MTV and various radio stations, but there are a lot of people that need to hear it from me...

I'm not a perfect person As many things I wish I didn't do But I continue learning I never meant to do those things to you And so I have to say before I go That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is you

Incomplete, yes. Full of meaning, yes. Directed at anyone in particular, yes... Everyone.

(Hoobastank - The Reason)

It's the way he looks at you That says to me This isn't over From the outside looking in You see there's nothing sacred here Nothing sacred You can bend But you can't break For the reasons out of our control You try to make it roll Like a dice away But you say that you're all empowered here This is obviously not clear enough To me You can bend But you can't break Hey little girl keep dancing Hey little girl keep dancing alone 'Cause there's not enough time in your day To keep you here The soldier's daughter Did your daddy Did your daddy hurt you Did he make you feel bad Did he poison your views With the water he was raised on Oh your father's son says hang on Hang on Hey little girl Keep dancing Hey little girl Keep dancing alone 'Cause there's not enough time in your life To stay here So over the hills he'd climb Just to see her there in time Just to watch the sun shine through her dress The sweet soldier's daughter The sweet soldier's daughter

(Tonic - Soldier's Daughter)

(No Text)

My mom deserves to be slapped upside the head with a book of common sense and morals.

As you know from previous blog entries, she has rubbed in my face the fact that I passed up a relationship with one girl that would probably still be going on, to have a short 2 month relationship with another girl. Mistake on my part, but oh well. It's done now.

Today, we went to the county fair for lunch. On the way back home, she decided she wanted to drive through this one neighborhood of town. Guess what? It was the neighborhood of the girl that I passed up. Guess what else? She was standing outside at the street, talking to someone in a vehicle. I attempted to ignore it, but Mom, of all people, decided to make a huge freaking deal about it. She said, "Let's go back by her house and say hi!"... We went back around by the house, and she was still making a huge deal about it, until she realized that I wasn't saying a word. When we got up by her house she said, "Oh, it looks like they're having a get-together. We should probably just go on home."

For some reason, it isn't bothering me like it has in the past. Maybe because I've gotten to the point that I realize that I can't really change the past. What does piss me off to no end is the fact that my own mother keeps trying to push me into these relationships again, after I've already blown my chances. It isn't so much depression anymore I guess; it's anger.

Ok, I just woke up like 10 minutes ago. I remember dreaming, and hearing a song with lyrics like this: When all your hope is gone And nothing's left to believe (I don't remember what was said here) And put your faith in me

I tried to look it up on Google, but nothing matches. I don't know if it's an actual song, or if it is something that just popped into my head.

Every time I try to play this racing game, when I am doing well in the races, something happens that either puts me way behind or makes me have to quit. Tonight, I was leading a race, and lost connection to the server. Big deal, the internet burps once in a while. Started the game again, got back to where I was leading, same thing.

I seriously am ready to give up on everything except becoming "Jack, the Dull Boy".

I just tried to upgrade to the latest version of this blog software, and I tell you what...

IT SUCKED!

I'll stick with this version for a while.

No matter what the average level of intellect and social skills are, no matter how many people are in a group, no matter what the age of those people is, there will always be at least one person who is a total idiot.

IRC is a good bit of proof for this...

I don't know if I can wait this long
To be what I used to be
And I don't think I can wait much longer
For the tide to come back to me
Come back to me 

(Train - I Wish You Would)

I figure that since even my parents are starting to ask me if I'm okay, I had better at least let someone know what's going on.

1. I am 22 and I have nothing to show for my life. Sure, I have an Associates degree, but most people my age have at least been a part of a sports team that did really well and got quite a bit of local recognition. No, I don't want to be put on a pedestal. I just want to know that I've accomplished something of value.
2. I am running out of time. School starts somewhere around the 20th of next month. I haven't even registered for classes yet, because I have no free time, thanks to the next point.
3. I am working way too much. I know, at the beginning of the summer I said I was going to work for myself this summer. It is turning out to be a bit more than I could handle. I have 2 major projects going right now that I just can't seem to get anywhere with. Why? Next point...
4. People are getting on my nerves.

   
   Original Message:
   From: Tim Garrison 
   To: Project Customer
   Date: 7/1/2004
   Subject: Project Update
   ---
   Blah blah blah.. This is what I got done. 

I need this stuff by next Tuesday at the latest:

• blah
• blah
• blah (blah blah blah)

Thanks, and have a great weekend!

• Tim

Original Message:
From: Project Customer
To: Tim Garrison
Date: 7/7/2004
Subject: Re: Project Update
---
Would you want to do this other project? We can meet with you on blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah.

Thanks!

(I have yet to see the stuff I requested.)

5. Money sucks. Every problem in my life, including the ones above, are driven by "the almighty dollar".
6. I'm single and somewhat sick of it. Yes, I said it. So why don't I do anything about it? Please see items 1-5.
7. I'm tired and sore. 20 hour days + arthritis from a degenerative hand disability + arthritis from a back injury = lack of sleep + pain.

Yes, people are probably going to be offended by this entry, but I am posting the truth as I see it.

The people of today, including those just getting started in computing, are highly spoiled.

When I started, the machines I had to work with were very outdated, and would just barely run the current software, if at all. My first computer was a 33MHz box with 4MB of RAM. When I got this computer, all it had was a 5 1/4" floppy, a 3 1/2" floppy, a 400MB hard drive, a 16 color video card, and Windows 3.11. I was expected to keep up with the current technology, so I installed Windows 95 on it. Still, without a CD-ROM or modem, I worked with that computer. Windows 95 would take about 20 minutes to boot, and programs were quite laggy therein.

About 2 years after I started playing with technology, I was given a bunch of fried hardware. This included a 2x CD-ROM. I was ecstatic. I thought I'd now be able to install and play games, listen to music on my computer, etc., but I was wrong. The games and other software that was available was written for a Pentium II or higher, not to mention, I had no sound card. Once I finally spent the $60 on a Sound Blaster 16 ISA sound card, I got it installed and tried to use it. Unfortunately, it would only work under DOS, since the system was so weak. For about another year I continued to work with this system.

Next, I was given a 486DX/2 with 16MB of RAM. I still had to use my 400MB hard drive and my 16 color video card, but I didn't care. This computer was so much faster than what I had been working with. It was at this point that I installed a copy of Microsoft Visual Studio 6.0 that was given to me as a gift. For about 3 years I worked with this computer, developing software, learning the language of Visual Basic. It was around this time that I finally got a modem: 14.4Kbps. After talking with my dad about it, we got the internet. At this point, my learning rate both increased and leveled off at the same time. After I got AOL Instant Messenger and ICQ, I began to meet people, random people, and began making friends in the vastness of the internet. Thinking I had contacted an old friend from school, I was talking with a guy from Arlington Texas. This guy asked me what I wanted to do with computers, and at the time I said graphic design. He asked me for my mailing address and sent me a CD with a bunch of outdated yet bootlegged copies of graphic design software. I basically didn't learn anything more for a while after that.

Next, my sister was given a Pentium 166MHz machine with 48MB of RAM. It came with Windows 95 installed on it already, had a sound card, CD-ROM, 56Kbps modem, and a "huge" 1.7GB hard drive. Along with it, she was given a monitor that would do 800x600 at 32bit colors! How exciting! Even though the current machines were topping out around 1GHz, we were quite happy. I ended up getting an education licensed version of Windows 2000 Professional, and installed it on that system. Yes, I was back to the point of waiting nearly 20 minutes for a boot, but it ran so much smoother than Windows 95!. The same person that gave me this copy of Windows 2000 gave me a copy of Windows 98 for my computer. After installing it and getting a more stable system and better hardware support, I decided it was time to get some "modern" hardware.

After working for a couple of weeks at a good-paying job, I set out to get a CD burner. I ended up with a Sony CD-RW drive, which I actually have in my current machine right now. This burner was a 16x write, 4x RW, and 40x read! The first time I used a CD in it, I said to my sister, "This sounds like it is getting ready to take off and fly!" Shortly thereafter, I got the equipment to network my computer with my sister's. With a whopping 10Mbps network, we were now sharing files, and amazingly, sharing the internet connection.

She, then, got another computer given to her. This time, a 200MHz Pentium with basically the same specs as her previous, but with a 20GB hard drive instead. I was given her old 166MHz box, and quite happily, set it up with Windows 2000 and all my development software. At this point, we started having issues with network-related viruses, So I got a $20 copy of McAfee Anti-Virus. Installed on my machine, I felt like I was trying to run with a boulder chained to my ankle.

Eventually, I set my old 486 up as a server, running Windows 98, to share the internet connection better between my computer and my sister's. Faced with the problem of connecting and disconnection, I wrote a client/server application that would allow us to connect and disconnect remotely.

Soon, my sister's computer was upgraded to a 366MHz AMD K6/2, and I was given her 200MHz processor. Unfortunately, the 200MHz chip wouldn't work in my computer, so I was stuck with the 166MHz I had.

Again, the shuffle started. My sister was given a better computer, which I don't remember the specs of, and I was given her 366MHz computer, but she kept the hard drive and RAM. Here I was now with a bigger and better computer, running at a whopping 366MHz with 48MB of RAM. I was given the game Quake II as a gift, and I played it religiously, thus, puting my software development at a halt. After I beat the game, I was back at work writing software and teaching myself the basics of development, and I was given yet another game: Quake III. Here again, I played religiously. Unfortunately, this game ran at only about 15 frames per second video, and I had to shut down nearly every program that was running in order to play it, with the exception of my anti-virus. One day, I decided that I was going to play without the anti-virus running, and I got hit with the worst virus infection ever. This virus nearly disabled my computer, corrupted many of my files, and caused the internet, which was already slow, to become even slower.

It was at this point a friend told me about a free anti-virus program called AVG Free Edition. After I had cleaned up from the virus infection and lost a good portion of the files that I had been working on for several months, I decided to try this free anti-virus program out. Sure enough, it basically crippled my system, but with the virus still running wild on the internet, I had to keep it running.

Eventually, I had saved up enough money (about $120) to get a 40GB hard drive for myself. Now, I was back to work, writing software. At this point I got swept up in the "mp3 craze" and had downloaded nearly 500MB of music over the internet. Again, I got hit by a virus and lost nearly all of my files, including my "huge" collection of music.

After I had saved up more money, I bought myself the computer I am now using. This computer wasn't "top of the line" at the time, but it was close to the top. An Athlon XP1800+ with 128MB of DDR RAM, 64MB shared video, 40GB hard drive, 40x CD-RW, and a 56Kbps modem, it proved to be a computer of much potential.

Now upgraded to 768MB of DDR RAM, an additional 120GB hard drive, a 128MB video card, and downgraded to my old 16x CD-RW due to a hardware failure, this machine has been nearly rock-solid. Sure, there have been the headaches with the upgrades and viruses that have hit me over the past few years, but all in all I am quite content with this system. Now, I am running Slackware Linux v10.0 and dual booting with Windows XP Professional, and I use this system for nearly everything. This computer has gotten me through an Associates of Applied Science degree in computer programming, and is currently my means for earning income. I am currently working on several web development projects, but focusing on a single project that I have been contracted to do, and I have been asked to do another development project. I use this machine for development, research, experimenting, and practice for everything I do. Even farther from the "top of the line" than I was when I got it, I feel that I am gaining on technology. This fall I begin working on my Bachelors of Science degree in computer programming, and I am fairly confident that when I complete I will be able to afford the newest machine on the market.

For the last 6 months or so, I have been thinking about starting an organization to help teenagers and younger learn computing. I am not the normal person, in the sense that I can basically teach myself given the proper resources. Because of my realizing this, I want to help kids to learn computing practices the proper way. I have a vision of helping kids in low-income environments to learn software usage, hardware usage, and even on to more advanced topics such as programming and networking. Because children learn at a much more accelerated rate than adults, they will be the prime beneficiary of technology education. So, rather than teaching in a university, I plan to teach kids. I may not be doing all of the teaching personally, if at all, but I would like to coordinate it so that others who are good with the younger age group will teach them.

Since I am now looking at the future and making goals, thinks may change. These goals may never be reached, but I seriously hope they are. The Open Source revolution needs to be started, and the easiest place to start is with our future: the kids.

Now, since I am starting to ramble, I leave you with this challenge: Because you yourself have most likely learned what you know about computers via the wayside school of technology, why not help make a better path for a kid like you were? Even though you may say you know nothing about programming, or you don't know how to network, you can still help. Planning and ideas are needed to get this project started. I would like for everyone who reads this to at the very least post a comment, stating what they wish they could have been formally taught, or how someone could have explained something better while they were learning. If neither of those fit, why not share how you feel the resources for technology could have been better placed for you? Still not something you feel you can comment on? What did you enjoy about how you learned?

If you have more than just a little bit to share, please, go register at the DigiVisions site and post in the forums. This project can't be done by me alone, so please, offer what you can.

So here I am in IRC, carrying on a conversation with someone. About mid-coversation, 2 other people join the channel, ignoring what was being said, they started a debate in the public channel. This wouldn't have bothered me, except the person I was carrying on the conversation with decided to start another conversation with one of the people involved in the debate. Bored, I tried to join the debate by voicing my opinions. Apparently I was put on the ignore list though, because nothing I said in regards to the debate were acknowledged.

Something that is somewhat stagnant now is my disgust for people taking everything seriously in a chat. Many times I have made sarcastic jokes, as it is my nature, and have left the conversation with the other party being highly offended. No, I haven't said things like, "I slept with your mother," but they have apparently been quite offensive.

I have come up with a few possible solutions to this issue:

1. Write a filtering algorithm that determines when a person is attempting to be humorous. This could actually be a somewhat profitable project, and I might consider it for a major programming project later.
2. Use an emoticon such as :P or :D every time I am joking. I have a feeling most of my messages would contain an emoticon then, thus, becoming highly annoying.
3. Stop chatting with people. If I don't talk to people, how can I offend them? This is one of those points that I'm being sarcastic, by the way.
4. Destroy the internet. Yes, I am joking again.

So, right now only 2 of those options would work: 2 and 3. I have a feeling 3 is going to be the more widely used one. I have work to get done anyhow.

• 10:00AM - Woke up to the sound of a pissed robin
• 10:05AM - Tried to go back to sleep
• 10:41AM - After listening to the frickin' robin, and tossing and turning, I figured I'd be better off to just get up.
• 10:58AM - Mom: Are you okay? You sound like you've been crying.

I need to get some shotgun ammo to take care of the bird. As for mom's remark, and everyone else that thinks there's something wrong with me, there is. I am stressed out and I can't relax, mainly because I have obligations that I've set and the rest of you are either interfering with them or you don't understand their importance.

Good-fucking-morning to me.

I am really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really tired.

I think that if I can muster up enough strength to get up out of this chair, I'll go to bed.