I've spent so much time throwing rocks at your window That I never even knocked on the front door

I walk by statues never even made one chip but if i could leave a mark on the monument of the heart I just might lay myself down for a little more than I had the last day

Wait a time to spare these lies we tell ourselves These days have come and gone But this time is sweeter than honey

I'm not sure of
Anyone, Anyone
But I've got plans
I'm not asking
For everything
But sure I could
Use a hand

Get a little anxious
Sometimes you'll be gone
And I'll be left behind
Get a little nervous
Sometimes it'll be my cue
And I'll forget my lines
Get a little lost look
And some staring from
The corner of my eye
Never really mastered
Disinterest

I can't see how
The way that you leave me alone
Makes us close
I must be out of touch
I won't ask you
To give up on the things
That seem to keep you gone
But I can be gone too

Feel a little sorry
Sometimes you're not here
When I am writing
Feels a little awkward
Sometimes you won't talk
But we're not fighting
You hold onto your secrets
And I'm not privy
To what is on your mind
I can't help but feel tired
So tired
So tired
So tired
So tired

Especially when I'm "nothing".

I really don't see how people can do that every week, especially more than once per week. Sure, I had fun last night, but the noise, the smoke, the smell of alcohol... If I was the drinking type I might be more inclined to hang out at those places, but I mean, I went for the social end of things, and it was pretty much stagnant.

I met a couple new people, friends of friends, and I had fun watching the people dance (I can't dance), and I talked a little bit with the people when they had quit drinking for the night.

Ok, so here's the deal.

Today, in speech class, this chick walked in late, immideatly started talking to the chick she was sitting next to, at normal volume, and made it so the rest of the class couldn't hear the video we were supposed to be watching. Strike one.

Later in class, the instructor was talking about our pursuasive speech we have to do in a couple of weeks. The chick had the balls to ask, in the middle of class, if she could do her speech on one of the topics from the restricted topics list. The instructor asked her what it was, and the chick said it was about taking God out of the pledge of allegance. One of the other students asked her what her views were on it, and she said she thought it should be taken out, because God doesn't belong there. Strike two.

A little bit later, we were recapping the video we watched, and the instructor asked us what we thought of the first part of it. The chick was like "That lady needs to shut the fck up and go back to church."... WTF?! She had to add to it, "I hated that stupid fcking cross she was wearing. That shouldn't be allowed when you're giving a speech." Strike three, you're out.

My biff:

1. STFU!!! When you show up to class late all the time, at least have the courtesy to not make a scene out of it.
2. You think God should be taken out of the pledge? Ahem... Let's have a little history review here... What was the reason for the pilgrims to come here and start a new world? Oh yeah, its called RELIGION!!! I'm not a big fanatic on religion, but I do have my faith and beliefs. As the pilgrims did, I believe that there is a God, and that he needs to be included in portions of our life.
3. I am paying for the class, so I would like to hear what the instructor has to say. SHUT UP!!!

By calling me on my cellular telephone, you hereby agree to the disposal of your privacy rights, in that, your name, telephone number, and/or mailing address will be posted on this site. Acting upon this "disposal of rights", your information may only be posted if your response to the greeting given is one of the following:

"Is Denny there?"
"May I speak to Denny?"
"Is Denny available?"
"Yo, put the D-Dawg on."

You would think that after me telling 4 other people that there's no Denny here, that the rest of the world would find out. I mean, come on people, this is costing me money to tell you that "There is no Denny here. I'm getting tired of everyone asking for him. Tell whoever gave you this number that there is no Denny here."

Phonebook results for 815-740-1196 R K Hernandez, (815) 740-1196, 1718 Aspen Ln, Joliet, IL 60433

Call me again. Just do it.

Do I expect to change
The past I hold inside
With all the words I say
Repeating over in my mind
Some things you can't erase
No matter how hard you try
An exit to escape
Is all there is left to find

(Trapt - Echo)

So yeah, today the chick that turned my code in as her own showed up in the office.

Ok, so virtually everyone knows about my fear of rejection. I think I just stumbled upon the reason for it...

Back in 2001, I was asked to accompany the daughter of the pastor of the church I was going to, to prom. Seeing no problem in it, and given the fact that I kinda liked her anyhow, I decided to go. The days between when she asked me and when the prom actually was, we spent lots of time together, just sitting and talking. I had never talked with someone like that before: As we talked, the hours seemed to disappear. One evening, we even talked until way past midnight. Our parents both went looking for us, and we were just sitting on the back of our vehicles at the church, talking.

After we went to prom, there seemed to be a question that needed to be asked... "I have a question for you", I said, "I think we can be more than friends and I'd really like to take it up a notch. Would you like to change our status to something more than friends?"... She sat there in my truck, so silent that as I was driving, I wondered if she was still even in the truck. She agreed with my suggestion for the future, and we ended up being known as "boyfriend and girlfriend".

After about 2 months had passed, we spent lots of time together. I was there to help her move out when she decided she didn't want to live with her parents anymore. That was a very rough time for her and her parents, and her leaving home was not on good terms at all. Needless to say, she didn't even spend a night in the apartment I had helped her move all of her stuff to. My mom talked with her and asked her to stay at our house on the spare mattress on the floor in my sister's room. The next morning, she wanted to call her dad at work to talk to him. I didn't do anything more than hand her the telephone, and within minutes, her dad was there to take her home.

I spoke with her dad at a church gathering one day after that, and he said she asked him if he was mad at me for helping her move out. He told me his response was, "No. I would be furious with him if he hadn't helped you move out."

Shortly thereafter, things just all of a sudden turned sour. I had no idea what the reason was, and I just went with it. She used the excuse that she was leaving for college and that she couldn't handle a long distance relationship.

After a couple months had passed and I had moved on to a new job, I went back to the place I had worked when I was dating her, and one of the guys confronted me. He asked me if I was mad at her for anything, and if I had some agression that I needed to take out. He reassured me that he was not making any judgement, and that he was just looking out for me. He then informed me that my ex-girlfriend's dad, who also worked at this place, had been talking to the guy there in the shop about something that she had said. Somehow, someway, she said something that lead her parents to believe that I had hit her, or physically hurt her in some way.

I confronted her about this after trying to get some more info about it from other people, friends of her's and friends of my own. Nearly everyone I went to before going to her had shut me out and told me that they would not believe me, only her. When I confronted her about it, she said that a night that I had grabbed her arm when she was playfully hitting me that I scared her and she knew of no other way to react. She then went on to say that what she had told her parents was misunderstood and that she did not say that I had hit her at any time.

During the time I was trying to resolve this little conflict, I received the "cold-shoulder" treatment from nearly everyone in the community, including the cashiers at the local grocery store. This continued even after I had confronted her and found out what had happened.

To this day, certain people will not talk to me, and certain employees at local businesses will pass me over as if I am not there, all because of this situation. Yes, we have resolved it, forgave each other, and we've both moved on.

You may be thinking as you read this, "Moved on? HA! You're going on and on about it!". News flash, it is a realization that I am as shy and introverted about a relationship because I've been scared by this past experience. I am afraid that if I am accepted into a relationship that something similar will happen. Everyone who knows me knows that I am far from a violent person. I don't even playfully hit people, because I don't know if that person that I'm "hitting" or if a bystander will take it as a full fledged hit and label me as a physically violent person.

So in conclusion(I stole that from a video we watched in speech class today), my fear of rejection is a result of a semi-traumatic experience from a previous relationship.

I don't want to have people that live in the same building as me hear the sound of the headboard banging on the wall.

/me shudders at the sound.

Man, that saurkraut stew was good, but I just can't handle spicy foods anymore. I'm really hurting from it today.

I left home last Monday, March 29. I stayed at my friend's place to help him with some homework and so that I wouldn't have to drive back and forth from home to school during the week. Friday, April 2, I left my friend's place for my sister's. I have been here, 2 hours from home, 1 hour from my friend's place, since. Tomorrow, I get to go back to my friend's place, help him some more, leech some housing some more, and stay there until Thursday, April 8.

My birthday is Friday, April 9. Usually, Mom and Dad want to go do something, like go out to eat, etc. In a way, I don't really know that I'd want to go anywhere, but at the same time I would be totally grateful if they did want to go do something. There's just something about getting older that is losing its appeal to me. Sure, I'll only be 22, but I really don't want to get any older. I feel like I have accomplished virtually nothing this past 22 years, so I need to not get older and actually get something done.

...That my head hurts?