I am beginning to believe that one or more of the following conditions is true:

1. The world is in an organized conspiracy against me, attacking everything I say, do, or think.
2. All outgoing communications from my phone, computer, or mouth are being filtered, preventing the message from reaching the intended recipient.
3. Due to the conspiracy mentioned in #1, my "personal time" has been virtually abolished.
4. Telephones have been created to enforce the previous point.
5. So-called "energy drinks" are nothing more than liquefied sedatives.