Sleep? What's that?
Posted by tim in It wouldn't fit in any other category... on January 5, 2006

For the last couple of nights, I've not been able to sleep for more than a couple hours. There are a variety of causes for this, but the two that are most predominant are being sick and having someone on my mind.

Being sick really needs no discussion. You know it, I have that cold/flu/whatever that is going around this time of year. I've had it since Sunday, and it's not really any better today. As you will see here, I'm not taking any medicine, nor do I intend to.

Now, the other thing that's been keeping me up... You will see here that I have someone I need to be talking to. I've been needing to talk to her for quite some time, and I keep puting it off for various reasons, including shyness, apprehension, and laziness. I've come to the recent realisation that I need to put this procrastination to a stop and use the vocal chords that I've been given.

Among the thoughts I've been having, I'm mostly concerned with the outcome, both when I do share my feelings with her and if I don't. Being a programmer by nature, I tend to analyze things before they happen, and my analysis has been part of what is keeping me awake, while the other part has been the burning desire to actually take action on this.

The dream I had Saturday night hasn't helped me any. For the last several years, this matter has been on my mind. It's something I think about daily, and I wish I could change. But because I can't change what has happened, I'm trying to figure out how to start a new chapter and try it again. In the dream, I remember giving a little speech at the wedding reception. I told about how my new wife was someone who has been a friend for a long time, has always been there, and meant a lot to me. The setting of certain events in the dream have given a bit of indication as to who the wife was.

The dream has obviously left me a bit disturbed. Not necessarily "disturbed" in the sense that I'm terrified or upset. I just don't feel right. The dream was too real, too out of the ordinary, and too close to other dreams I've had about this particular female. I don't want to lose my chance at actually making something happen (verbalizing my feelings or whatever), but at the same time I'm not sure how to go about it, if I'm ready for a negative response, or whatever.

I guess I'll not be sleeping tonight either. This makes day #3.

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