Starting about 7 years ago, I got to a point where things either didn't sound right to me, or I couldn't understand them, whether an audible source (such as spoken word, music) or visual/literary source. When it first started happening, I chalked it up to just being tired, or failing to have sound around me or words in front of me. I didn't think much about it, but then it started happening more frequently, and started affecting me more dramatically. It would come on with no warning, and would never last the same length of time as previous.

I ended up talking with my doctor about it, and was sent on to see a neurologist. Thorough testing and monitoring, no serious underlying issue was found. But the condition kept happening, either robbing me of my ability to understand music, or my ability to find words, or my ability to read written words. My job, being one that required a lot of reading, writing, listening, and speaking, I started to feel as though my abilities were fleeting and I would soon find myself standing in an unemployment line. I've always been regarded as a strong author, both when it comes to things like this blog, or when it comes to writing software. I know several different programming languages and can switch between them with no struggle. I'm a musician, and enjoy being able to hear the different parts of music and even replicate it myself. And people usually rely on me as a human spellcheck. Though when a wave of this issue would hit me, at least 2 of those abilities were seemingly removed from me. There would be times that it would only last a few minutes, but would sometimes last hours or days.

Doctors looked at the makeup of my brain, the blood flow through it, and the electrical signals it would generate. I had MRI imaging done, a variant of it called MRA, and a few different types of EEG. Everything looked normal, nothing was amiss, and the doctors found nothing to remark on. The neurologist I had seen at the time determined it was just a thing that happened and there was no visible cause for it. His assessment was that it would fade over the couple of months following, then I would never deal with it again. It was then qualified as idiopathic transient aphasia, meaning "An unknown loss of ability to perform cognitive duties, lasting a short period of time, then going back to normal". Another way of saying it, "You lose these abilities for a random period of time, but we find no cause for it." As such, it's been classified as benign, having no long term, damaging effects.

I appreciate positivity and can respect doctors who think that way, but there was an air of ignorance to it. I wasn't able to get him to understand that it was a thing that had been going on for a long time. He just said that I needed to give it time and patience and it would pass.

It did subside for a few months during the great COVID-19 pandemic, but it's been coming back since then, much more frequently, lasting longer, and having more profound impacts.

One day a week or so ago, I stood up from my desk and walked towards the door, but the door was closed. I couldn't figure out how to open it. It's not a fancy or elaborate door; it has a simple doorknob that needs to be turned, then the door pulled open. I couldn't figure that out though! I was so frustrated that I just went back to sit at my desk and wait for it to pass then try again later.

Another time in the past that I can recall, I was staring at my browser window, needing to switch to a different tab, but couldn't figure out how to do it. I mean, it's as simple as point and click, or ctrl+tab, or ctrl+a number for which tab I wanted. I couldn't understand any of those though, and I was just as frustrated as I was with the door a few days ago.

Tonight, before dinner, I decided I was going to work on a specific code thing. I felt confident about it, and thought I would be able to wrap it up tonight. After dinner, I came to sit and work on it, and I couldn't figure out the first step to get started on it. That was over an hour ago. I still don't know how to get started on it. I even opened the code that I have been working on for the last couple of years, being the only author/developer of the entire complex platform, but failed to understand any of it. I couldn't (still can't as I write this) make sense of what I was looking at, what the file structure was, or how any of it worked together. I was left dumb in context of software development.

What makes no sense though is that while I might not know how to open a door, I am able to load up a flight simulation, start from cold and dark, plan and enter a flight, fuel up, taxi to the runway, take off, reach altitude, cruise, descend, enter final approach details, and land. I can still drive when it's going on. I might not be able to speak or understand someone else speaking, but I can certainly drive from A to B without any issue. In fact, if I didn't tell anyone about what I was feeling, they would never know.

I need to go over this again with my new neurologist, and I need to get more updated testing done. I'm smarter than this, I'm more able than this, and I am stronger than it is. But the symptoms keep coming around, and keep hitting different faculties, and doing nothing more than frustrating me.