I know you're clinging to the light of day To tell you everything's a-okay And medication don't do much Yeah, it just numbs the brain

Shinedown - Get Up

This lyric paints the picture nearly perfectly. Suffering with Ankylosing Spondylitis and now suspected Multiple Sclerosis, I can't even begin to say how true this is.

I spend most of my time either in extreme pain and discomfort, or I spend it really doped up from whatever my doctors have me on at the given point in time. It's not a good balance, and it's very demoralizing. I have a nice bike that I would love to ride. I have a number of tools that are collecting dust/rust. I have a 3d printer that hasn't budged since February. I have 3 bass guitars that are rarely played. I have a mountain of reading material in the form of magazines and books that haven't moved hardly at all since they were placed on the surface where they currently reside.

I just want to be not what I am today I just want to be better than my friends might say

William Fitzsimmons - Passion Play

I want to do more. I want to be more. I want to be healthier. I want to be more social. This all feels like a giant stone tied around my neck though, and the stone is my health.

While I am writing this, I am dealing with both the AS and the MS symptoms. It's a wonder I can even put words together because I'm medicated to try and ward off the pain enough to function. I'm about to fall over the edge of consciousness though and just sit here, staring at my screen and drooling on myself. There's almost no way for me balance it on the edge of that tipping point and function without pain.